Remember that picture? That was taken in Hartford back in April 2005. Emma was only about 8 months old, and we were off to see the Tori Amos concert. If I'm reminiscing a bit, it's because I miss the way things used to be between you and I. As you know, we've been having our fair share of disagreements lately. I was thinking about how we used to be much closer, we really enjoyed each other's company, and we hardly ever had fights. Now, our cycles of hurtful negativity seem to come back more often, and with much more intensity.
If I'm opening up about this, it's because I know that we are not alone! Unfortunately, the majority of human relationships -particularly intimate ones- are doomed to fall into this love-hate pattern sooner or later, unless a fundamental truth has been recognized. This may be hard to hear for some, but the fact is that very few of us understand what true love is. We simply can't experience true love if we are deriving our sense of self from our ego. It's impossible! Our idea of the "perfect relationship" has nothing to do with true love, but instead with gratification of our egos. True love doesn't suddenly turn into hate, resentment, judgements, blame, jealousy or expectations the minute our egos get threatened. True love is unconditional and it arises from deep within us, not from some exterior source. The polarities of love and hate that we experience in relationships have more to do with codependency than real love.
The problem is, we get into relationships for the wrong reasons. We hope to find lasting fulfilment and happiness, but unless we become aware that our ego will continually sabotage our efforts and create discord, power struggles, negativity and resistance, we will fail. We meet someone, "fall in love", and this allows us to feel more complete for awhile. In its initial, flowering stage, our relationship gives us the impression that the pain we all carry deep in our hearts suddenly dissolves. We feel good, the other one makes us feel loved and important, we are not alone any more. Our egos love this...until time passes and our partner starts to do things, say things, believe things that "we" (or our egos) disagree with. The effect of the "love drug" starts to run out, and guess what resurfaces? Our pain. It was always there to begin with, but we were too distracted to feel it. Now, it feels worse than ever. And who do we blame for it? Our partner!
Does this mean we should avoid relationships, or give up? Of course not. Once we understand the true, challenging nature of relationships, we can see how they offer us the absolute best opportunity to grow in awareness. But let's be clear about what we're getting into before we exchange phone numbers at the bar! There are two main phases in any relationship. Phase 1: we forget our own pain and our egos get strengthened. The "other" appears to be the source of our sudden bliss...until we reach Phase 2. In this second, much less romantic phase, our partners start to mirror back to us our wounds, our vulnerabilities, our weaknesses, and our egos feel extremely threatened, defensive, even aggressive. Our own unconsciousness will turn our partner into an enemy, unless our higher-selves are able to observe what's really happening. If this occurs, then the relationship has the potential to lead you to true fulfilment and happiness!
Rob, I am thrilled and hopeful, because I know this insight has the potential to change our lives. We both want the same thing: happiness. The most direct way to find happiness is through complete acceptance of the now, the present moment. It's not in the future, somewhere down the road, after years of therapy! Instead of both being slaves to our ego-selves, why not help each other see through our distorted veils of illusion? Can we support each other in becoming more aware and less attached to our beliefs, our thoughts, our opinions? Can we allow each other to express our emotions freely, without becoming defensive? Can we gently, lovingly remind each other when the ego has taken over again? This is truly what Conscious Living is all about, and I'm certainly up for the challenge. Are you with me? Let's help each other break free from the shackles of our ego!!
On another note, I realized today that the song I wrote a few years ago entitled "Et si on oubliait tout ça?" perfectly illustrates "egoic, needy love". You can listen to it by clicking on the link below. It will start to play automatically on the page. Yeah, it's all in French, sorry about that. Pour ceux qui parlent français, c'est à votre tour!! Merci de me lire en anglais!
http://www.lisevilleneuve.com/#!book-cd/cnec
Warmly,
Lise
Creator of Conscious Kids and Conscious Health
www.lisevilleneuve.com
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